I decided to break up January into two parts since I had originally started two separate posts and failed to post either of them…. And now I feel like they are both insanely long so bare with …
The beginning of January was fantastic. Chris and I rang in the New Year in the Dominican. We stayed at the Dreams Punta Cana resort, meeting some amazing people and having a lot of fun.
I would highly recommend the Dreams resort. The biggest plus to me was that we didn’t need reservations for the restaurants, and let’s face it , for me it’s all about the food. The resort is massive and never felt chaotically busy.
A week and a half after getting home , I went for coffee with my good friend, Ryan. It was Sunday night and as I sat upstairs, while Chris watched football downstairs, I felt extremely uneasy. I couldn’t pin point what the problem was, but after going back and forth, I decided I needed to talk it out.
Over donuts and tea, I explained to Ryan that I felt uneasy in a way I couldn’t explain. December had been chaos; in fact, I had been none stop really since October . Halloween followed by dinner parties, followed by my Dad’s surprise party , followed by all that was Christmas and ending with a great vacation. I explained to Ryan that I felt a lack of purpose, that I feel like I’m just going through the motions now. I almost feel bored. I had serious thoughts about taking down my blog and deleting its history, it just didn’t feel like I had anything worth talking about anymore. I also was limiting communications with my family and extended family.
We talked about my relationship, friendships and life situations. Things are great with Chris; I don’t say that for show online, they legitimately are. My friendships have changed over the last couples years. I have cycled through a handful of friends and while I know this is a refection on me, as Ryan pointed out, none of the friends that I currently have present with any drama or create stress. Work is just work, this is just how it is for me, it’s a pay cheque and will never become my whole life. There were no major pending issues, no massive upcoming stressors.
Ryan has seen me through a lot of things, the moments of happy and the moments of crying.. and then there were the moments of crazy Jan. So when he offered his thoughts, I knew it would come from a place of meaning….
Ryan told me that I’m use to living in drama, either by creating it, just falling into it or associating with the wrong people. He reminded me that its okay to not have something to dwell on, over analyze and obsess over. When you are used to all these situations, its hard to just be okay with being okay.
We talked about the word ” settling” and how to me it meant just giving up and living with the hand you are dealt. Ryan explained now it’s not about not wanting to keep achieving and wanting great things. Instead settling means being grateful for what you have and living in that. Living in the now and really enjoying those moments for how great they are.
I know this is a long drawn story , but I am sharing as it was a major light bulb moment for me. I knew I was happy, but perhaps I didn’t really know how it actually felt and how easy it is. I expect there will be challenges along the way, but I feel more secure and more prepared to handle them. And that is one hell of a good feeling.
Here are a few words that have since stuck with me :